So I was laying around reading tonight when Robyn's "Dancing on my Own" showed up in my iTunes. This song hit BIG like a week after Jess dumped me and I started thinking about that whole...situation.
In a lot of ways I hate myself for the way I handled our breakup. I definitely lost that one. I was the crazy ex. But... on the other hand. Never in my entire life have I been so exquisitely gutted and turned inside out and hung out to dry. It's been... almost 9 months and to this day I can pull that pain and devastation to memory so quickly.
I have to admit in the last few weeks I have started to allow myself to acknowledge how dramatically different my life would be if she still loved me. Not necessarily good different, but different. I still have some pictures from our relationship kicking around and the one thing that is so clear is that we literally could not stop looking at each other. There is this picture of us in line at Diva's staring into each others eyes. i remember when that picture was taken. We were originally smiling at the camera but one of us said something, the other looked at her and we just got...stuck there.
I am having such a hard time figuring out if that love was ever real... I suppose it doesn't matter in the long run. My EXPERIENCE of that love was very real and that's what I should take away...
I just keep getting stuck on the why's.
Yet at the same time I am so intensely in love with Carley, so HAPPY with Carley that I wonder why I'm even thinking about Jess at all. Until I remember the pain I felt when Jess left me, and then I swear anyone looking at me could see the walls go up... I'm so damn scared. I'm tired of fear being a deciding factor in my life.
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